New Year’s Day. Bank Holiday. It appears since New Year’s Day 2018 I had inadvertently began the tradition of reading through snippets of my old blog to reflect on the past however many years. (Hello, “From the Archives” series!)
Of course, what with the timewarp of 2020, this tradition had come much earlier on than anticipated:
There are three things to acquaint yourself with Nabzz, as she preferred to be called. Two Zs of course, an upgrade from the single Z of the bygone secondary school era from the late 2000s.
- She spent her days of sweet teenagehood pursuing her passion in writing.
- She also enjoyed listening to Skrillex and was a patron of the dubstep genre.
- Lastly, she was scared of the future because the “grown-up world” appeared to be daunting. The unknown overhead of the future made her feel unsure about what she would be like as an adult. There was no way to look into 10 years ahead.
Retrospectively reading her blogpost from January 2011, titled “In 10 Years Time…”, was admittedly underwhelming but within good reason. She was still occasionally reserved in what thoughts and emotions she would share.
The truth is, I don’t even know what I’m gonna do in 10 minutes, 10 days or 10 weeks… So, what am I supposed to do in 10 years? I haven’t really thought everything out.“In 10 Years Time”. Saturday, 22nd January 2011
The real truth is Nabzz wanted to pursue a future where she could be passionate in what she does. She wanted to create meaningful and impactful artefacts that she would be proud of. For it to be in a continuously-evolving industry that both she and her closest family members are fond of would be the glacé cherry atop of a flavourful sundae. However, she was not sure how to go about any of this. After all, at 16 years old, could you really create a 10 year career gameplan? Where would one even begin? As such, she had vowed to have a “fresh-ish” start in late 2011 to work on her self-confidence. She was determined to break out of the shell (spoiler alert: she indeed broke out).
Writing was her haven. The blogging community could see the real her. Blogspot was her third space. She converted her thoughts into tiny, little, minute pixels on the internet, read by dozens around the world. The person of whom she was an avid reader in particular was Jameela Jamil in 2012. Company magazine was the blueprint in how to live life like an early-twenties woman breaking ground on her innermost aspirations.
March 2012 and she was flicking through April’s issue of Company, stopping by Jameela Jamil’s column. Jameela was reminiscing about how she always had that feeling of doing things “one day”, but when the opportunity rose, she never took it. The feeling of regret then came straight after and you couldn’t help but ponder “what if…?” She tells us how she did it with everything and that there was safety in the dream life because it was infinitely better than the harsh reality. It then struck Nabzz how scared she was, herself. She was scared of the future. It was in that moment she realised it was time to face the fear. Grab life and don’t let go of it. It was the time to make her future a good one. She vowed to do what it takes and fight for her dream.
You can’t change the past. What’s done is done. Whatever happened is destiny, it’s what got you to the present day. You can change the present by doing the tiniest things. It’s time to feel the fear. I’m ready for it.“Feel the Fear, Ladies”. March 2012.
Much like any journey, it is not a linear path. We all speak about confrontation, but never when it comes to confronting oneself. We fear the mirror that is held in front of ourselves because we do not know what the reflection staring back will be, nevermind how important it is to do so.
I believe confidence is not a personality trait. It is instead a skill. As with any skill, it needs to be worked on with consistence for it to be honed to desire. I had to feel the fear and put myself in scenarios in which I would have to confront no one else but myself and my fears; to look at it head on. Mortal Kombat 1v1, if you will. It takes time, dedication and a deep sense of grit. There will be failures and obstacles, but you must continue on the path to become victorious in whatever you choose to pursue. Remain conscious of those three qualities. Have a strong sense of faith and you will get there.
It is heartwarming to have hope as you ring in a New Year. It is important to have optimism, but also have the determination and patience of making things better. If you know in your heart that is what you truly want, and you put in the time and effort, you will get what is right for you. It won’t necessarily be an easy ride, but the rewards will come in time. Let 2021 be the year where you feel the fear.
I’m going to make sure I put in the time and effort to achieve at least one thing I’ll be forever proud of. It may be something big or it may be something small, but the feeling of accomplishment I’ll get afterwards will be priceless.“To 2012!”. Sunday, 1st January 2012